Andy Thibault

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Cool Justice
Lawyer Toughman Rumble Results
By ANDY THIBAULT, Columnist
Law Tribune Newspapers
December 19, 2005

Connecticut Magazine has its so-called Super Lawyers list coming out, but I know the real score on who are the best lawyers of all.

In a location so secret the state attorney general couldn't find it, I recently witnessed eight sorry contenders battle for the title of King of Connecticut. It should be stated that Toughman contests - known for their near bestiality and low-brow appeal - are illegal in Connecticut. Rumor is that William F. Buckley Jr. loaned this crew the same sailboat upon which he experimented with marijuana outside various jurisdictions.

Following are short biographical statements and the pathetic results.

· Chris "Butterbean" Morano. I grew up on the street. So what if it was Greenwich. When I got to the chief state's attorney's office, they didn't know if I was a gang member or a gang prosecutor.

· Hubie "Thundering Elk" Santos. I've been called a lot of things for keeping killers on the street, so I decided to become one myself.

· Norm "Psycho Killer" Pattis. Who's the real lawyer here? The one who can prevail in the ultimate contest.

· Richie "The Irish Sicilian" Meehan. They say the Irish own the market on schizophrenia. If Pattis thinks he's crazy, I've got a few surprises for him.

· Phil "Car Wash" Russell. My life makes Morano's look like a fairy tale. I grew up in a car wash in the Bronx having unprotected sex with water buffaloes. Of course, it helped a lot with the training.

· Mike "Doctor Crusher" Koskoff. No one will treat me for my injuries. So what if I end up looking like the Elephant Man. After Santos sweat all over me, I can handle anything.

· Hugh "Fed Buster" Keefe. The government is out of control. I had to take it out on somebody. Pattis looked good, but I had to settle for Russell.

· Tim "Swamp Monster" Moynahan. Sports Illustrated didn't run my mug in the 50th anniversary issue for nothing. I was happy to feed Koskoff to the real sharks.

"You're soft," Pattis sneered at Meehan. "I am the knife. You will feel me like no one you have ever felt before." He plunged a right into Meehan's belly of jelly, but could not get it out. Meehan's flurry of eight jabs and an overhand right busted Pattis's glasses and his knife. Pattis went down.

In the other quarter finals: Santos beheaded Morano; Russell tortured Keefe in a way I cannot describe, leaving him crying like a baby; and Moynahan elbowed Koskoff off the boat. Koskoff lost a leg and bled to death.

"I am the greatest defense lawyer of all," Russell sneered at Santos as the Final Four began. "You get all the respect, but I … " He never finished the sentence, choking in 17 gallons of perspiration as Santos gave him an armpit shampoo.

Moynahan feinted right, hooked left, and Meehan was history.

The Championship Bout between Santos and Moynahan was delayed as various prey fed on the carcasses. The two veterans of the system circled each other warily.

"I can't kill you, Tim, I love you," Hubie said, whereupon Moynahan hesitated. Santos hugged him. The sharks had a bony but satisfying meal.
                                                                          

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